Who Invented Traffic?
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by: kphirst
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Word Count: 411
If Santa had to drive instead of fly, he wouldn't make it to my house Christmas Eve. Traffic raises my blood pressure and makes me late. The only good thing about traffic is that it keeps me from speeding.
Speeding is against the law. Traffic should be too. There are times I would get my errands done faster if I physically ran them instead of drove and feeling exhausted would be better than breathing exhaust.
Listening to the radio doesn't sooth my savage beast because the "Eye in the Sky" is telling me about the traffic snarls I'm already snarling about. I'm sitting in the middle of an endless parking lot and the Eye is describing rush hour traffic. Excuse me. Doesn't rush mean moving quickly? This is crawl hour traffic.
Maybe this year I should ask Santa for language CD's. Then I could be furthering my education even when I wasn't getting anywhere. Not so with my husband. His amazing sense of direction gets him around traffic jams. If he didn't have a belly button, I'd swear he was an alien.
For me getting around traffic jams means getting lost. I have no sense of direction, which is why I've told my husband if he ever wants a simple divorce, he can leave me in the mall parking lot and claim desertion because I'll never find him or the car. When someone gives me directions and says, "You can't miss it", I'm cursed. I admit I'm lost when I'm wishing I were stuck in traffic.
Lots of things cause traffic problems - speeding tickets, flat tires, cars running into each other and running out of gas; but I've discovered most are caused by religious experiences. Really. People are driving slowly in order to give thanks for not being the one getting a speeding ticket or a flat tire, for not being the one running into someone or running out of gas.
Improper turns are my pet peeve and in this case the pet would be a pit bull. If I had a dollar for every time I've been stuck behind someone who didn't signal before trying to turn left, I'd never worry about traffic again. I'd have a chauffeur. I don't; so when you're driving, remember one good turn deserves another. Oh, and maybe we should be thankful for the high cost of gas. It does cut down on traffic.
About the Author
KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life. Take a minute to make yourself smile at http://knightwatch.typepad.com
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