Do “Friends With Benefits” Relationships Really Work?
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by: Ken Brower
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Word Count: 681
My best friend (we’ll call her Julia) and I have been prudes since we met in 6th grade. While close friends were having sex and getting pregnant by 8th grade, we would still bust a gut laughing if we ever heard the word “penis.” By the time high school ended and we were heading out to college together, neither one of us had even come close to having sex. Now, things are a little different. I am the married one with a child and she is recently divorced, exploring her sexual prowess and calling me with all the juicy, sordid details. Her most recent adventure is the start of a “friends with benefits” relationship. Call me old-fashioned, but if a guy friend were to approach me about initiating a “friends with benefits” relationship where we just had casual sex every now and then with no prospect of taking it further, I would probably just stare at him blankly, blink and say, “Come again?” Not my Julia. She actually initiated the conversation with a guy friend of hers who she had been finding increasingly attractive. Neither was ready to pursue a committed relationship (both had just come out of rough long-term relationships), so a no-ties sexual relationship suited them both perfectly.
Julia, by nature, was meticulous about what they discussed and actions she took before actually beginning the relationship. This is a rundown of what she feels is necessary to discuss and do before jumping into a relationship like this:
1) The first topic Julia mentioned was the use of condoms. She has always felt that having safe sex, whether in a monogamous relationship or not, is of utmost importance and she is a very vocal supporter of it. They discussed the importance of each having a condom stash at their respective homes so that they will never be caught up in the moment without one available. She is such a staunch supporter of safe sex that when she saw her “friend with benefits” take a condom out of his wallet, she quickly advised him that it is best to keep condoms in a cool place that is not subject to stress and variation in temperature. I realize that may sound made up, but that really is the way she talks. She said she is very religious about keeping her condom stash in her nightstand replenished.
2) The next topic they discussed was their sexual history. They discussed each partner they had and any history of STDs in their past, leaving no stone unturned.
3) After discussing the condom issue and sexual history with her partner, she went straight to her gynecologist to get a full workup, including a complete STD testing of infections such as chlamydia and gonorrhea (which are not usually standard). She spoke with her gynecologist about this new relationship and was advised that latex condoms are still the best first line of defense to use because of the protection they afford from STDs.
4) Finally, she and her partner agreed on ground rules of the relationship that would work for both of them. This included never spending the night at each other’s home, never asking about any dates they may have gone on during the week, giving each other space and agreeing to end the relationship if one of the partners found somebody they were truly compatible with and wanted to pursue it further.
Now, for Julia and her partner, these negotiations worked and are still working to this day. If pursuing a “friend with benefits” relationship is something you are looking at, be sure to have an intimate conversation with that partner before even thinking about starting the sexual part of the relationship. If at all possible, like Julia, visit your doctor and get tested for HIV and other STDs so that you can go into the relationship with a clean bill of health; however, if you test negative for these STDs, make it a practice to always use a condom.
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