What can you do when you feel lonely in your relationship?
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by: Sommer Watts ND
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When we think of lonely people, we usually imagine single people sitting by themselves. Would it surprise you if you heard that many lonely people are in long-term relationships and yet are very, very unhappy? Let us look at some of the reasons why people may be lonely in relationships
People who were once in love and crazy about each other may grow old and bored with each other. Life has a way of changing us so that things we loved to do once may bore us as we grow older. What if the people we live with grow away from us emotionally?
There are many other reasons why we may feel alienated from people in our own household. Addictions, Adultery, Abuse, etc are some of the reasons why people remain private in their misery. Taking care of a baby, or an ailing relative, sick children, etc can also drive one to desperation.
Some people remain in dysfunctional marriages because of cultural pressures, religious, economical or ethical reasons or other reasons such as fear of change or fear of living independently.
The aftermath of such devastating relationships where love is absent is that the two people involved live like strangers in their own home. Also, as children are like sponges, they absorb all the negativity and silent rage and continue the cycle of self-loathing and passivity in their own relationships.
Lack of appreciation is the number one reason why people dissolve their marriages. Each day is offered to us anew to make up for our mistakes or shortcomings. Boredom is most often seen in marriages or relationships where people take each other for granted
For example, the husband may lose interest and let himself gain weight and soon the wife is not attracted to him and looks elsewhere for attention. If they had talked about it when the problem was in its early stages and decided to work through it, they could have stayed together happily for a long time!
If both partners find completely new interests and do not have time to share with each other, relationships will not continue to flourish as before. Although it is normal for men and women to have differing interests, it is also possible to find activities to do that can be enjoyed by both the partners.
Many of us fall in love and get married. After the first few years, we get busy with raising our children. As children grow up, we are caught up with their school, extra-curricular activities, check-ups, birthday parties, etc. Sometimes we lose our previous friendships and bonds while we get immersed in parenthood
Parents learn to play many roles while raising children. They become teachers, therapists, nurses, doctors, nutritionists, seamstresses, crafts people, etc. during the decades they raise children. When the children are ready to leave home, parents find that they are at a loss as to what they do with their time. This can become a devastating condition called “Empty Nest syndrome”.
Sexual Frustration
Lonely mums (with husbands still around), people trapped in lonely marriages, those who have lost passion in existing relationships, etc. live each day without the ability to connect with each other.
Some people, even though they are married, try to find “potential mates” on dating sites. An internet search wouldn’t do any harm, they think. The search may not be the problem; the situation is the problem!
When a couple has been married for over a couple of decades, boredom can set in. Familiarity breeds contempt and loathing if our emotions are not properly re-programmed. Most people know that long lasting, happy marriages are a rarity now-a-days. It is very important that those who are in relationships need to work out their frustration and connect with their partners to have a successful sexual and emotional rapport.
The internet is beset with frustrating experiences of sexual perversion, scams, spam and hoaxes. The paradox of the internet is that as the world is getting more connected, people are also getting more and more isolated. One can live in one state and work in another state or part of the world. Business travel has increased exponentially and many families are alienated by physical and emotional distances. This separates couples and leads to sexual frustration and loneliness
The intense longing for sexual satisfaction in lonely women (widows, nuns, etc.) agitates the mind, causes mystery illnesses and may finally lead to loneliness and depression. Chinese medicine believes that the exchange of sexual energy (Yin and Yang) is responsible for the overall health of human beings.
Despite the gender stereotypes, it is not always men who want sex and women who don’t. There are women whose libido is higher than their partner’s. Older women who have completed their responsibilities and are now ready for a wild and carefree time, may find their enthusiasm come to a screeching halt because their partner has no interest in enjoying sex.
Whichever gender, sexual frustration is happening to; this situation is painful and extremely exasperating. Connecting to each other through gentle discussions and loving approaches may work for partners
Communication
Communciation is the key to bringing your relationship back to life! And by communication I don’t mean talking only, but also sharing experiences together and finding that connection again that seemed to have been lost for such a long time.
If you feel that your partner is not opening up or discussing his/her problems with you, it may be helpful to see a therapist or counselor. If both partners wish to have a good relationship, this is a wonderful way to get another person to mediate. Both partners should be willing to give and take as well as communicate their thoughts and worries as much as they can.
If you are in a strained relationship and feel alienated from someone who was very close you of if you just want to spice up your existing relationship, you can try doing activities together. The purpose of these activities is to find that connection again. It is preferable to do activities that both of you enjoy doing, but it also helps just to be supportive in your partner’s interest by joining for an activity that is your partner’s passion.
Most relationships change with time. The only way to keep our friendships flourishing is to keep a constant dialogue between us about our feelings and our expectations of the relationship. As we grow older, our interests change. People need to constantly find new networks for hobbies and other interests where they can get involved, test the waters and re-assess their likes and dislikes once in a while. This is very important to keep learning and to cherish one’s own uniqueness in life. If you want to learn more about how you can cope with loneliness, you can download the e-book from my website.
About the Author
This article has been written by Sommer Watts, Qualified Practitioner in Naturopathy, Nutrition, Herbal Medicine and Counseling. She runs a busy practice in Brisbane, Australia and is the author of the book “Overcoming Loneliness”- based on her experience of people she treats suffering from loneliness and depression. The book can be downloaded from www.OvercomeLoneliness.com
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